To the man I thought was the man of my life

It is said that there is nothing that can push a man who is not ready to commit. It is said that even if he were served dozens of women, each more wonderful than the other on a silver platter, that would not be enough to push him to commit.

It is also said that if a man cares about you, that if he does not want to lose you, he will do everything possible to keep you. Because that’s where the real challenge lies … The real challenge is not to find someone, but to keep them.

As far as I’m concerned, I tried to find a happy medium. To create a balance in a complicated situation. I was trying to give you your freedom while wanting more of you.

We had a good time, we laughed a lot, we chatted a lot and our bonds became more and more powerful. But I think these are things that you shared with other women as well, just as I shared with other men.

I sometimes had the impression that we were not a couple, but rather friends. I have long believed that it was a good thing.

Anyway, I was hoping with all my heart that things would work. I was fed up with failed relationships, short-lived adventures and loneliness.

I was fed up, I was tired and you gave me a reason to continue, a reason to fight.

Over the course of life, we come to understand that we only want one thing: to be loved more, to be understood more … And the more the years go by, the more these two truths impose on us.

I fought for you. I fought to make our relationship work. But after a while, I finally understood that if I continued to fight, I would come to fight against myself.

Because in all my moments of loneliness, every time I thought about our relationship, a little voice in my head kept trying to tell me “ it’s not what you want, it shouldn’t happen like that, you are not happy “.

And the more I thought about it, the more I realized that I was the only one fighting. You were trying to make an effort, but it was far from enough.

I think the older we get, the more our desires change. We are looking for someone who can comfort us and be there for us. Whereas before, maybe we are looking more for someone to have fun with and have a good time.

We need security. We need to know that even if everyone abandoned us, the person with whom we share our life would be there. And I never felt that.

On the contrary, I had the impression that you were the first to disappoint me and hurt me. 

So I decided to leave you. And I admit, I had some regrets. I asked myself questions. But it was only nostalgia.

I think that’s the irony of love: you think you are expecting something very specific and you realize that in fact, you were expecting something else.

I do not know if it is because we know each other better and better or because when we find ourselves alone, in bed, thinking about the deep meaning of life, we come to understand that we want only one thing: to be loved more, to be understood more … And the more the years go by, the more these two truths impose themselves on us.

And in doing so, when we become aware of these two truths, we need our partner to accept them and above all, that he does not run away.

You were always too busy, sometimes busy doing nothing … But you always preferred this nothing to spend time with me. And I ended up choosing myself and deciding to offer my time to those who knew how to appreciate it and knew how to offer me the same in return.

Why don’t we remember those who are always there for us, when there is no one else left? Why are we not able to appreciate their presence, before becoming aware of their absence?

When I saw how you were an exceptional friend, I realized that you were a caring and generous man … But not with me. Why? I do not know.

Maybe we just weren’t made for each other. We couldn’t pull ourselves up, bring out the best in everyone. Because we were not made for each other.

But thank you, because you taught me something …

You taught me that no matter how hard I try to change and satisfy someone if they didn’t want me, there was nothing to do.

I guess I also have to thank you for showing me the way, for allowing me to understand what kind of man I was looking for and what I expected from a relationship.

Thank you for teaching me that no matter how hard I try to change and satisfy someone if they didn’t want me, there was nothing to do.

Thank you for allowing me to accept me. Thank you for allowing me to understand that I never had to change for a relationship that didn’t work.

Thank you for reminding me that there are many who tell us “you are going so well together” and then tell us “I was sure it would not last”. I’m learning not to listen to them anymore.

Thank you for making me realize that love can be dangerous. That we can quickly find ourselves doing things that are not like us, blinded and clinging to false hopes.

We find ourselves asking “but what was I thinking about?”. And we realize that we were thinking of nothing!

Forgetting you was very difficult, but I understood that it was better to break your own heart than to hang on to a relationship that makes us unhappy. It is better to save yourself and avoid falling apart …

Thank you for teaching me that in love, there were limits that should never be exceeded. Thank you for teaching me that when you love, these limits can quickly become very blurred. Thank you for giving me back my freedom and for allowing me to relaunch myself in search of the man of my life.

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