You can call me pathetic or weak. Call me what you want and say that I am not strong enough or that I am not well. But at least I felt love. At least I really liked it.
And you know what? Few people can say that at 24.
I felt a kind of love when people die before they even experience it. I felt the kind of love that everyone deserves, regardless of race, gender or salary. The kind that doesn’t leave your body or your heart, no matter how much you want it. Because it was so strong, and it had such an impact on you.
So you can say that I’m weak for telling the truth. For saying something that many people would be ashamed to say out loud. And for having said something that makes me pass for a desperate, lonely and frightened little girl. But I know the truth.
And the truth is, nobody made me feel like you did. It’s been three years, and I’ve met people at university, on the streets, and on planes, but my heart never felt like that.
I never felt so whole, as when I was with you.
I may be a hopeless case. Maybe it will never happen to me again because that kind of love only happens once in a lifetime. Maybe I will always feel this void in my body when I think about you too long. Or when I imagine you in my head, for too long. Or if I imagine how your voice sounds now. Maybe I will always feel like this, no matter how many years pass.
Maybe I will never meet someone who makes me feel like you did. Which will make me feel so good. So pretty. So well treated. So incredible.
And I’m glad I felt it. I’m glad you have been part of my life for so long. I’m glad you loved me the way you did. I am glad that at one point I felt so wonderfully beautiful and brilliant.
I’m glad my heart could feel what it’s like to be cradled and held in your arms. I’m glad my body could feel what it’s like to be wrapped in your sheets and by your naked body. And I’m glad that my spirit felt so nourished and watered by all your soul.
But to be completely honest, I’m also terrified. Terrified that my heart never feels that again. Terrified that my body is no longer in contact with a beautiful body like yours. Terrified that my mind will never be overwhelmed again, like when you were mine.
What if I never find you another you?
What happens then?
What happens if I never find you?