We may sell us an unforgettable honeymoon, the first days of a relationship are more complex than it seems. Especially at the time of this critical in-between between the meeting and the formalization which, let’s face it, often has the air of an inaccessible mirage.
Before establishing our couple as something rather serious then, or at least made to last more than a few weeks (of s ex with confidences on the pillow), we tend to experience some interludes of emotional anguish. All personal fears that make us wonder, roughly, if the other has as much interest for us as we do for him or her. And in the most severe cases of lack of self-esteem and self-confidence: why the hell does he or she give us all this time and attention?
Each sign of pseudo-unexplained distance worries us, each message that is not answered within an hour makes us experience cold sweats. And then there is also the other side of strength: when you are the one who has trouble getting involved and jumping into the stormy bath of romantic relationships. Out of past trauma, out of fear of being trapped, out of modesty at the idea of revealing oneself. In short, all the reasons are good. We decided to give you some tips that will help better understand and put the reasons behind this stress into perspective, in order to make them disappear forever. Here are six.
1- Do not invest more than you should
You may repeat yourself to each new meeting that this time, you will not get carried away after an appointment and four messages without spelling mistakes: it’s stronger than you. The little artichoke heart that you are will fall in love with the slightest wink – voluntary or not – and quickly imagine the name of your future children before your first night together. If the passion is respectable, it also happens that it consumes. Even if it makes take a huge proportion to a story that does not deserve so much investment.
And it is precisely this inappropriate place in your head that contributes to creating distressing situations. You convince yourself that he or she is made for you, and the stake becomes far too important. You even go so far as to make sure that if it doesn’t work with this person, it is either that you are not interesting enough or, who knows, that love is not made for you . Learn to let go and take things as they come, you will be less stressed.
Often, the fears that disrupt this uncertain and sweet period are linked to the reciprocity of feelings. You wonder if he or she is as attached as you, to know in reality if you are not going to take a wall in three weeks of supposed romance. So you interpret every little gesture, try to detect warning signs of an anticipated breakup or of long happiness and end up being eaten away by questions that should not appear so early in your relationship.
To mitigate this harmful mechanism, ask yourself this simple question: “So what?”. Put what is bothering you into perspective by proving that, even if this scenario were to come to pass, you are strong and independent enough to overcome it. Afraid that he or she will never call you again ? So what ? You will survive. Afraid of burning your wings again? So what ? You have managed to take the blows so far, this hypothetical time will be no exception. Try to convince yourself that all these little apprehensions that pollute your mind are not so serious, and that in the worst cases, you will come out of this (umpteenth) relationship.
3- Ask yourself why you are doing this
Attack the problem at the source. Latoya Nelson, a licensed professional counselor specializing in anxiety, explains to Mind Body Green that the first step to overcoming this deeply ingrained emotional lift, and how it affects your behavior, is to put it into perspective. To do this, try to write your feelings down in a journal or talk to a therapist to help you “identify the source and deal with the feelings.”
Does your anxiety stem from negative experiences in your past relationships? Or is it related to something special due to this relationship and this person? In the first case, acknowledging your fear of being hurt again can help you understand and accept your stress. In the second case, it is useful to ask yourself whether the relationship you are having actually gives you enough joy to compensate for the negativity. An assessment of the beginning of the journey which can also save you from nameless galleys in love.
As Samantha Jones said in S ex and The City : “I love you, but I love myself even more”. So don’t gun your mental health down for someone who – according to the state he or she puts you in – isn’t worth it.
4- Talk to your partner
Instead of living these anxieties on your side, with your own projections for the sole knowledge of the feelings of the other, speak to him. Address what is bothering you and you will certainly see that he or she can find the words to soothe you. “It can be helpful to tell your partner how you feel,” says Stella Harris, coach and s ex educator, at the American site. “On the one hand, it creates a precedent of honesty and transparency. On the other hand, getting into the habit of asking to be reassured when you need it can really help.”
Communication is key, just be careful not to rely solely on your partner, nor to spend your time sharing whatever comes into your head. You must also learn to work alone on your self-confidence and that which you place in your future story. “It is not possible or healthy for one person to be everything for you,” adds the expert, who advises reserving a portion of your headaches – valid, certainly, but possibly oppressive for one person – to your entourage.
5- Focus on the present
Instead of focusing on everything you don’t get from the other person, and letting yourself be overwhelmed by suffocating waves of anxiety and frustration, try to understand how this new bond is improving your life in the present moment. List its positive aspects, what it brings to you and whether or not it is almost loved brings out the best version of you. By dissipating this negative energy, you will more easily succeed in taking advantage of the unknown and what you have to discover.
Also avoid plans on the comet that rhyme too frequently with disappointment. And once again, if the present is not up to your expectations, perhaps it is time to take stock, and ask yourself if the relationship is worth the effort that is put into it .
6- Be natural
Often, these moments of stress are so synonymous with a desire to be loved that we end up tracing our personality on the supposed expectations of the other. We act the way we think he or she would like us to act, and we gradually destroy our naturalness. Only to meet and weave a sincere love with someone, it is essential to succeed in showing yourself as you are. Assume our qualities and our faults, to avoid surprises a few weeks later which ensure problematic disappointments on both sides – or worse, a break.
And then to those who would be afraid of revealing themselves, and of not corresponding to the ideal of the person whose life they recently shared, remember that if your partner does not love you for who you really are, it is is that you have nothing to do together . Simple and efficient.