Even if it makes you laugh, please your mother and panic the butterflies of your belly, your partner does not make you frankly happy. You feel that something is wrong and that you are investing much more in the relationship than your dear and tender, who also has trouble asking a word about your story. But have you ever wondered if your current partner was emotionally available?
A phenomenon more common than you imagine and which can make you waste precious time. Dealing with an emotionally unavailable person can be hurtful and difficult to cope with psychologically speaking. Especially if you experience rejection or lack of demonstration badly.
Need a concrete example? The character of Big in S ex and the City . If in the series – and the films – Big and Carrie end up finding happiness together, this one makes our heroine turn into an idiot for long years, unable to invest emotionally speaking with her. Nor with anyone for that matter. We remember the character of Natacha, also undermined by Mister Big. Because an emotionally unavailable person is not specifically with you but with everyone. This can be temporary – especially after a difficult moment like a breakup , a death or a professional upheaval – but also in the long term if the roots of his sentimental unavailability are deeper.
“An emotionally unavailable person often finds it difficult to receive love and other strong emotions from other people,” said therapist Alyson Cohen at Women’s Health . “Often they seem like very sociable people, but ultimately find it difficult to deal with deeper emotions.” It remains to identify an emotionally unavailable person. Here is our guide to find your way around.
1. He is not tender with you
Since the beginning of your relationship, your partner has been stingy with tender gestures and small attentions. Things he or she almost never does, except sometimes after a salty remark from you. Moreover, when you pay him a little attention, he or she does not seem frankly to grasp the subtlety of the gesture and is satisfied with a cold and tender tenderness.
2. He / she is uncomfortable with strong emotions
When you try to confide in her or tell her about your feelings, you feel her fleeing and uncomfortable. Your partner does not like to feel your vulnerability and very often believes that anxiety and stress are signs of weakness. He / she becomes cold and distant when you try to go deeper with him / her and will do everything possible to find a certain lightness in your conversation.
3. He · she avoids the conflict
Consequence of the previous point: it · it therefore avoids conflict with you. Uncomfortable with strong emotions, your partner prefers to avoid certain questions rather than risking an argument . And when a conflict breaks out, he · she generally prefers to flee and move away as the storm passes, never to discuss the subject again with you.
4. He is undecided
Your partner has a hard time making a decision. Because it means going in a very specific direction and embarking on a path, something he or she has a hard time doing. In love with you, but it can also be at work, for holidays or in any other field.
5. He never confides in you
He · she does not like that you confide in him. But what he · she likes even less is the idea of confiding in you. Uncomfortable with feelings and emotions, your partner always remains on light, even superficial discussions with you. He · she doesn’t tell you anything about her inner thoughts, deep feelings, and interrupts you when you try to do it with him.
6. He / she feels that you are too “intense”
When you get upset or on the contrary you start to laugh with tears, your partner seems taken aback, uncomfortable. Besides, he · she often reproached you for being too intense in your reactions and for not knowing how to manage your emotions.
7. He never had a long relationship
All people who have never had long relationships are of course not emotionally unavailable. But it can be a sign of an inability to live a deeper history with someone. He · she doesn’t necessarily find it difficult to meet, but he · she does find it more difficult to keep the relationship going in the long term. Including with you, who carry your story with him at arm’s length.
8. He · often cancels your appointments
It · it may well know that you are happy to find it · tonight, your partner has still canceled your evening. An unfortunate habit due to the fact that he · she doesn’t really care about your feelings. Generally, your partner is centered on him / her and does not make you a lot of room in his / her planning, his life plans … and his heart.
9. He · she doesn’t understand you
He · she often concentrates on him · her and only rarely takes into account what you feel. Besides, your partner has great difficulty understanding your feelings. He is very bad at reading emotions and does not know how to please you or just avoid hurting yourself.
10. He · quickly moves on
He · she started seeing you in the days after her last breakup. He · she has an impressive ability to bounce back and seems to be able to move on with a snap of her fingers. Maybe because he never really got involved in any of his relationships.
If your partner is emotionally unavailable, the question now remains what to do with your relationship. Is it unavailability due to a recent, one-off event? Or on the contrary, is it something deeper, which is only likely to evolve with difficulty? Either way, it’s important to remember that this person’s inability to engage is not yours but their own. Ask yourself what you want for your love life and whether your current partner will ever be able to offer it to you or not. For the rest, it’s up to you.